


Alive

by Sidoh



Category: Death Note
Genre: Asexual Character, Asexuality, Asphyxiation, Autoerotic Asphyxiation, Choking, Death Fetish, M/M, Masturbation, Murder Fantasies, Sadism, Voyeurism
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-24
Updated: 2016-08-24
Packaged: 2018-08-10 18:28:05
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,503
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7856338
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sidoh/pseuds/Sidoh
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Light was convinced that he was doing the right thing, bringing justice to the world because no one else would be able to do it. But surely there was a difference between doing what had to be done and experiencing arousal as a result of killing people?</p>
            </blockquote>





	Alive

**Author's Note:**

> Please mind the warnings in the tags. I did not tick the archive warning for graphic violence because there is no blood or gore, but there are descriptions of people dying/being killed and obviously the subject itself is a bit out there. Follows anime canon.

At first, it had been the rush of power. 

The idea of killing people with a knife, a gun or his bare hands did not interest Light Yagami. Despite the obvious inefficiency and too great risks associated with such acts, feeling someone struggle beneath him as they fought for their last breath or watching someone bleed out on the pavement with a still warm gun in his hand seemed messy and all around unappealing. Resorting to such measures would be an unforgivable sign of weakness, considering Light had been handed the means to outsmart anyone without having to come near them.

No, this wasn’t about anything childish like blood or gore. The thrill came from the knowledge that he could kill anyone at any time without having to lay a finger on them, while criminals all over the world quivered in fear. 

Justice. That’s what it had been about, initially. And that’s what it was still about—Light did not kill for selfish reasons, he killed in order to help humanity and create a better world. But as he wrote hundreds of names in the Death Note, he started to experience an unfamiliar thrill that filled his entire body and made his heart race despite the calculated routine he was starting to settle into. 

Light was convinced by now that he was doing the right thing, bringing justice to the world because no one else would be able to do it. But surely there was a difference between doing what had to be done, and experiencing excitement as a result of killing people? 

No. He wasn’t killing just anyone. These people were criminals. It would be wrong _not_ to enjoy punishing them for the hurt they had caused other people.

Or at least, that is what Light told himself when he realised that this enjoyment extended to physical arousal. 

***

Light had never understood physical attraction. Men or women, no matter their body type or state of undress, had never caused fantasies that teenage boys were apparently expected to have in abundance. He had tried to watch pornography on the internet once, but the mechanical movements had almost lulled him to sleep. In the end, Light had simply accepted that he didn’t know what he was missing, and wasn’t overly concerned about it. 

He’d masturbated, of course. The physical sensations were enjoyable, and Light occasionally indulged himself when he felt tense, finding that he relaxed considerably after an orgasm. He’d never felt the urge more than once a week though, and he always focused on the pleasure rather than thoughts about anything in particular. 

Shortly after he started writing names in the Death Note, however, it suddenly became an almost daily ritual. It usually happened just before he went to bed after writing names for hours. Still seated at his desk, in order to avoid Ryuk’s inevitable comments, it generally took him less than a minute of frantic stroking before coming inside his trousers, desperate for release. He’d then neatly fold and put away his clothes until he got a chance to do his own laundry, and would go to bed pretending everything was normal. After all, on the larger scale of things, this was only a minor secret on top of everything else. 

Before long, the rush of power that surged through Light every time he passed judgement on a criminal wasn’t enough. The act of killing itself no longer made him hard enough to squirm in his seat while attempting to stay focused. At first he assumed that this odd peak in sexual arousal was permanently over now that the novelty had worn off. Then he killed Lind L. Tailor. 

It was the first time he watched someone die at his hands. No, that wasn’t entirely true—the second experiment he’d carried out in order to confirm that the Death Note was real had involved watching a man die in traffic. But at the time he’d been overwhelmed by the shock that he had proven the Death Note to be real. This was different. 

Still under the impression that Lind L. Tailor was in fact L, Light had never taken so much pleasure in writing anyone’s name down after the idiot had called him evil. His eyes were glued to the screen, heart racing in anticipation as he counted down the seconds to L’s death. The moment the man reached for his collar, eyes widened with the realisation that he was having a heart attack, Light’s hand flew to his crotch, finding himself completely hard. By the time the body was being carried off screen, Light was panting after coming with a loud gasp. 

Ryuk burst out cackling behind Light. “Well Light, even by Shinigami standards that’s pretty fucked up.”

***

When he couldn't sleep at night, Light was letting his mind wander. He’d imagine the faces of the people he’d punished that day and picture their expressions, from the moment their eyes showed the realisation that Kira was punishing them until the moment they collapsed motionless onto the floor. What did they feel in the few short moments in between? Fear? Panic? Pain? 

It wasn’t enough. And it wasn’t that Light was just a heartless sadist. These were people who _deserved_ to suffer for the pain they’d inflicted upon others. Dying from a heart attack didn’t give them enough time to suffer and truly feel the consequences of their actions. An almost instantaneous death was no punishment. 

Light had known from the beginning that he was able to choose any cause of death, giving him the opportunity to kill someone quickly or painfully. However, as his objective was to rid the world of as much evil as possible, he couldn’t waste time on writing down elaborate scenarios unless the situation absolutely required him to. 

Yet at night, he found himself thrusting into his own hand picturing criminals dying the slowest, most painful deaths after he’d written down their names. He’d try to imagine how much any given cause of death would hurt and what thoughts would run through the victim’s head, and every time, his eyes would roll to the back of his head with the intensity of the orgasm caused by the scenarios. 

And the next night, he’d try to think of ways to increase the suffering even more. 

***

Light flipped through the magazine, desperately trying to feign interest in the half naked women in the pictures. Unsurprisingly, none of them did anything for him, and after he’d finally turned the last page he got up to put the magazine away. “Tricked by the cover again,” he sighed, because if L was observing him, which Light was almost completely sure of by now, there was no chance Light’s indifference had gone unnoticed. 

Light let himself fall down onto his bed again, considering his options. L must have concluded that the magazine was probably an attempt to justify being paranoid about anyone entering his room. Whatever he did from now on, it would be nearly impossible to convince L that he was unaware of being observed. 

Unless…

It was a terrible idea. For all he knew, his father or his father’s colleagues were watching alongside L. 

Then again, even if L would conclude that Light was an exhibitionist who would go to such lengths to seem unaware of being watched, he would never suspect him to do it if there was even the slightest possibility that his father was watching. 

Pushing down his trousers and briefs, Light ignored Ryuk leaving the room in disapproval and wrapped his hand around his mostly soft cock. He had to forget that he was being watched and instead think of something that always made him come, without exception. 

He closed his eyes and slowly started to stroke himself to hardness. He pictured an especially vile looking rapist he had killed recently, and imagined him suddenly unable to breathe. In reality, the man had died from a heart attack, but in Light’s imagination, invisible hands closed around his throat, completely cutting off his breath. He was gripped by the fear of being choked by some invisible force, and his panic only increased when his hands shot up to his throat, only to find that there was nothing to fight. As he continued to struggle to no avail, the realisation that he was being punished by Kira, God of the new world, started to set in. His eyes bulged in terror, begging for mercy to no one in particular.

Light’s hand moved faster and faster as he almost forgot that he had an audience. As usual, it wasn’t until come streaked his belly and his vision nearly went black that he realised he had been holding his breath. 

***

L absentmindedly picked at the icing of a cupcake and put it into his mouth while staring intently at the screen. Light Yagami was really going to extreme measures to prove his innocence. It was having exactly the opposite effect.

Watching the masturbating boy, L suddenly became aware of the silence around him. Soichiro Yagami was no longer in the room—he must have decided he was uncomfortable watching this. L supposed he couldn’t blame him. But, speaking of silence…

L pressed the volume button on the side of the monitor, trying to figure out if the audio was malfunctioning. Turning the volume all the way up, he could just about hear the fast paced sound of skin against skin. But there was no panting, heavy breathing, or, well, any breathing for that matter. 

L observed the boy’s chest and immediately noticed the absence of a normal rising and falling motion. He stuck the tip of his thumb into his mouth, the cupcake forgotten on his desk. Light Yagami didn’t seem to be breathing at all, and judging by the colour of his face, probably hadn’t for at least a minute or two. 

Just then, the boy in the screen climaxed and gasped for air with a desperation that reminded L of someone who had been pushed under water for several minutes and had been seconds away from drowning. 

Interesting. An irrelevant observation at the moment, but interesting. 

L stored the information in his mental ‘may be useful at a later time’ folder and returned to his cupcake. 

***

L licked some pink icing off a doughnut, glancing at the bound girl on the screen before turning in his chair and facing Light. “You should know that you’re the prime suspect at the moment, Light-kun.”

“Really?” Sounding unimpressed was the most Light could do right now, knowing that because of Misa, all evidence pointed his way now. “So I suppose you’re going to do the same thing to me?”

“I don’t have enough proof to justify that at the moment,” L responded seriously. He stood up, his eyes wide as they locked with Light’s. “But if I’m correct in my suspicion, I would like to ask you to reconsider what you've been doing. It’s not right.”

Light was starting to get impatient and slightly unnerved by the intense eye contact. “I agree, Ryuzaki. I think that murder is wrong. That’s why I agreed to help with the investigation.”

L ignored him. “Because your deductive skills are very impressive. You would make an excellent detective, and you could fight injustice that way rather than—” He never got a chance to finish his sentence as Light punched him square in the face. L recovered fast, knocking the breath out of Light’s lungs as he pushed him against the wall. “I see Light-kun is offended by the questioning of Kira’s morals.”

“Are these the means of investigation you’re having to resort to now, Ryuzaki?” The grin on Light’s face quickly disappeared as he struggled against the arms pinning him in place and found himself barely able to move. L was annoyingly skilled at fighting, but he was also a lot stronger than he looked. 

“Maybe it will make you reconsider what you've been putting others through.” Without warning, L pressed his hand against Light’s throat, just in the right position to cut off his breathing. A primal kind of fear got hold of Light for just a split second, but then he remembered that L would never kill him. Not without evidence, not like this. 

_He knew._

Somehow he knew and in some way that Light was unable to identify without sufficient oxygen, he was using it against him. 

Light tried to open his mouth to speak but was unable to produce any sound. “Pain, and fear, and suffering. The same things Light-kun might be feeling in this moment.”

Fighting against his body didn’t help. Light felt himself harden and knew that, with his knee in between Light’s legs to help keep him in place, L could feel it.

"Scared and completely helpless as they feel you take their lives. They may feel remorse for what they've done, but there's nothing they can do to stop you now. Is that what you want?"

Light was starting to feel faint and could no longer muster the physical strength to fight back. A new kind of panic got hold of him. This was entirely different from being in his room, getting off while putting himself in the shoes of the people he'd punished. He wasn't in control. He knew rationally that Ryuzaki wouldn’t kill him, but he _could_ , and there was nothing he would be able to do about it.

As soon as L let go of him, Light slumped onto the floor, desperately gasping for breath. It took a few moments before he stopped seeing stars and his vision became clear again. His arousal hadn’t subsided. 

He rubbed his hand against his neck, glaring up at the insufferable detective. “What was the meaning of that, Ryuzaki?”

“Apologies, Light-kun.” Just like that, L seemed to transform again, his shoulders slumping and his eyes cast downward at Light. “It was just a test. If it makes you feel any better, it had intriguing results that may or may not prove to be useful.”

“What conclusions are those, Ryuzaki?” Light spat, his voice echoing through the empty hotel room. 

L retrieved a doughnut from his desk and started to lick the icing as if nothing out of the ordinary had happened. “Light-kun seems to get aroused by experiencing a lack of oxygen. That’s not entirely it though. The real trigger is the implication of death and suffering. But Kira probably wouldn’t enjoy giving up control in such an extreme manner.” Lick. “Unless that type of satisfaction is already being found elsewhere.” Lick. L turned back to the monitor. “It’s not factual evidence, of course, but the chance of Light-kun being Kira is about twelve percent now.”

Light glared at the back of L’s head. More than ever, he was looking forward to the day he got to write L’s name in the Death Note and watch him collapse in front of him. Picturing the light in L’s eyes dying, Light bit his lip and felt his cock twitch.


End file.
